I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
