I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
