Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
