went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
