If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I think a kid would responsible me up
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
