I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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