who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
