I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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