when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
