On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
