alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
