yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
