This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
