Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
