allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
