that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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