If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
