my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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