I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
