i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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