so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
