shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
