this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
