Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
