it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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