are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
