oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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