Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
