I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
