Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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