so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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