At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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