you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My life is pants optional.
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