So drunk its hurt
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
