hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
