Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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