Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My penis needs a shock collar
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
