I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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