If that was your dad, he is hot
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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