Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
