You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
