the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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