dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
