all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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