whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
