I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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