I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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