I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
