how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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