The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
